Survival Tactics
by SerenNoir
Summary: The great feared Sir Leader-sama has to train the most rambunctious member yet because no one else will. Minato being frazzled and Deidara being...well Deidara.


**Survival Tactics**

**Author: Mask of Mirage**

**Rating: K+**

**Comments: I wanted to write something that wasn't done often and I guess you could call this crack in its purest form. Without further ado, enjoy the story. This was originally written around the time period that I believed that the 4th Hokage was the leader of the Akatsuki. I know the real story line now but I didn't want to screw it up too much with changing the names around to Pein.**

**Mood Song: Smooth Criminal by Alien Ant Farm (unless you like the Michael Jackson version better)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, if I did the Akatsuki would all be chained in my backyard.**

* * *

Minato Namikaze stared, mouth wide like a guppy, at the sight before him. The newest member of _a la carte de Akatsuki _was currently smiling like a dumbass holding a lump of clay that was supposedly, but he doubted it, to be a likeness of him. In no way did he resemble a cross between a chipmunk and dog feces. He clutched his head feeling a migraine coming on or, even better, an aneurysm so he could leave the dumb kid out in the wilderness alone and watch as he grew hysterical and began talking to himself.

That would have been funny as hell.

"So, Leader-sama, do you like it, un?" Deidara cooed in a voice that was far too loud to be socially, or even healthily, acceptable.

Irritated beyond reason, Minato raised his hand and watched in acute fascination as Deidara's little face scrunched up and he shrank away. Slowly he breathed and lowered his hand, trying to keep his anger in check.

"Remind me again why I'm training you?" he muttered behind clenched teeth.

"Cause no one else will, un," the Iwa-nin smiled happily.

"Is that right?" Minato replied somewhat sarcastically.

Deidara grinned and Minato began to think that maybe Akatsuki didn't need a bomb specialist after all. "So, Sir Leader-sama, what am I going to learn next?"

"A bit of sobriety, a little modesty and maybe, if we have time, we can work on mature." Deidara blinked, obviously confused by the big words, recovered, and giggled happily. "How old are you kid?"

"Almost 16, un."

Minato exhaled; he so did not sign up for this. When he left Konoha he was under the impression that he would be the great, feared Sir Leader-sama of the most evil organization in the world not babysitter to some loud-mouthed kid.

But, alas, due to popular vote, and the fact that miraculously everyone had something important to do at the time, here he was. Hidan could have done it, Jaashin be damned.

"Okay, we're going to learn stealth because you have the stealth of a, you know, a 3-legged elephant," he explained, resting against a tree stump. "I'm going to lie here and I want you to try and sneak up and take my hat."

He lowered the brim of his wicker hat, shielding his eyes. "Begin," he muttered.

As soon as Minato heard the Iwa-nin move, he sighed heavily in frustration because the fact was he shouldn't have heard him at all. There was a rustle behind him and a swear.

"_Ow_, leggo, un," the boy muttered to himself. He suddenly screeched and Minato felt something heavy fall on his outstretched legs. Raising the brim of his hat, he stared down into the grinning face of Deidara.

"Oops, un," he whispered sheepishly.

"Didja trip?" Minato questioned sarcastically.

"How did I do… I mean before I tripped," the boy asked, his face turning scarlet.

Minato pushed him off and stood. "Like I said; a 3-legged elephant."

He caught sight of the disappointed expression on the boy's face and almost felt sorry for being so harsh. Almost.

"Okay, next tactic. Everyone knows you're pretty much screwed for shit when someone has you pinned to the ground. We're gonna work on your defense."

"But I'm not a close-combat sort of person, un," Deidara explained, his eye squinting as he looked up at the older man.

"All the more reason to teach you this," Minato replied, waving Deidara over with his hand.

Obediently, the boy approached him and emitted a high-pitched squeak as Minato kicked his legs out from under him and successfully pinned him to the ground. He held the younger boy's arms to the side as Deidara shook his head to get the hair out of his face.

"Okay, try getting up," Minato smiled, feeling the boy's forearms tense beneath his palms.

Taking a deep breath, Deidara began to wriggle, his tongue sticking out the side of his mouth. Minato groaned in pain as the boy's knee accidentally came in hard contact with his groin. He was going to have to establish damage control soon.

"I can't do it, you're too strong, un," Deidara sighed, catching his breath.

"Think of something kid," he exhaled, his patience running thin.

He felt something warm and wet brush against his hands. Deidara had shifted so his palm-mouths were laying on top of Minato's. The older man immediately removed his hands and used his knees to pin the Iwa-nin's arms down instead.

"That was repulsive; don't do it again," he stated, glaring down at the boy. Minato watched a flicker of amusement cross the ice blue eyes underneath him and a growing smile spread across the younger boy's face.

"My heart is pounding," Deidara cooed and shifted, the stance of his body changing into something awfully familiar to Minato.

He watched in unadulterated horror as Deidara pursed his lips and began a slow ascent to his own. Scrambling backwards and off the boy, he scooted as far away from the Iwa-nin as possible.

He had just tried to kiss him! He wouldn't have minded so much if it was a woman. But, alas, he was pretty sure this kid had a dangly thing between his legs. He glanced to where Deidara was laughing and rolling on the ground, his body doubled over in heaves.

"That wasn't funny," Minato muttered, narrowing his eyes.

"That was damn funny and you know it. Besides it got you off me didn't it, un?"

"That…'tactic' won't work on everybody. It just might get you killed faster."

Deidara glanced at the ground, ashamed of the disappointment in his Leader's voice. Minato saw this.

"But...it was very clever, if not a little disturbing. And we need a member who can think quickly off the top of their head. You were a good choice for the Akatsuki."

Deidara practically glowed.

"Just one more thing. Never, and I mean never, pull what you just did with me again. Is that understood?"

The Iwa-nin nodded in agreement.

"Now let's go meet your partner."

* * *

**Author's Note: Yeah, being awake at 3 in the morning can do things to you.**

**Mask of Mirage**


End file.
